Absolutely Boosh
by JoWoland
Summary: Vince becomes a famous model and hires a PR agent. Howard is perused by a cougar of another kind. My first fanfiction, rated T for some swearing. Let me know if you like it so far (I hope my grammar isn't that bad...).
1. Chapter 1

Howard was used to being in Vince's shadow but not like this. The billboard with his best mate's face on it was blocking the sun out. "Great, all he needs is more attention!" Howard opened the door to the shop and was surprised to see not only Vince, but also a red headed woman in a colourful tunic and bright orange pants. Howard stared at her until she raised an eyebrow and exclaimed "LaCroix, sweetie." "Howard, this is…" "Edina Monsoon, PR-agent to the stars. Don't talk to much sweetie, gives you wrinkles." Vince, in shock, produced a mirror and looked at his face. "That's how you shut him up?" Howard thought bemused. "Whish I knew that sooner. Like 10 years sooner." Edina gazed at Howard, obviously checking out his clothes. "What is that colour, darling? Mud?" He laughed uncomfortably. "Why, is it last season?" "At Tesco, maybe." "I don't need to validate myself by wearing fancy clothes." "Darling, to validate you, you had to wrap Stella McCartney around your chest combined with shoes made out of Gianni Versace." She made the sign of the cross and turned her attention back to Vince, who was still looking at his reflection. "Are you ready, darling?" "Hm?" "For your fashion shoot of course. Can't be late for Cheekbone." "Oh yeah, just give me a second to do my hair. Hey Howard. When did you get here?" "I was here the whole time! You introduced me to her!" "Really?" Edina ignored the exchange and grabbed Vince's arm. "You are a model now, other people are paid to do your hair. Come on, sweetie." "Yeah, okay. Bye Howard." And they were out of the door. Howard sighed. "Story of my life. Insulted by women, ignored by my best friend." Could this day get any worse?

Howard was organising his Jazz records, when he heard bell of the shop door. "Sorry, we are closed." A tall woman with a beehive hairdo and a black leather skirt was entering the store. "Eddie? Eddie? Eddie?!" The woman screamed and he stared at her in disbelieve. "No, it's Howard…" The woman removed her sun glasses and walked up to the counter. "Well hello, Howard." She showed him a very specific smile, Howard usually only received from Yetis or other non human beings. She was attractive though, for her age. She had to be in her late 40's, early 50's. "I'm 39." The woman replied. Could she read his mind? Of course she could, this was Dalston! "I'm Patsy. Patsy Stone." "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Stone." "It's Ms, but please, darling. Call me Patsy." "Alright, Patsy. What can I do for you?" She leaned over the counter, giving him another smile. "Well actually I'm looking for my friend Edina. She was supposed to meet me here with her new client." "Oh, they left a couple of minutes ago, to a photo shoot. For Cheekbone, you know? The magazine?" "Of course I know it. I'm the editor, darling." Howard became increasingly worried by the way she pronounced the word "darling". It didn't help that Patsy had started to stroke his arm. "Do I make you nervous, Howard?" "Of, of course not. A nice lady like you… Invading my personal space. Happens a lot." Patsy's smile turned vicious as she grabbed Howard's head and gave him a passionate kiss. He shut his eyes in panic and was instantly reminded of Eleanor, the merry widow. He held his arms up in defence as Patsy suddenly ended the kiss and whispered seductively "Take me Howard." "Take you where?" He replied helplessly. "To ecstasy." "How about a nice cup of tea instead?" He suggested, running out of ideas. "Oh Howard. You are such a tease." With a sudden move she was over the counter, Howard, in panic stumbled backwards and found himself between a wall and Patsy. She grabbed his arse and gave him another deep kiss. "What the hell is going on here?" "Naboo!" Howard exclaimed happily. He praised the little shamans excellent timing. "I'm, I'm…" "Being sexually assaulted by an unconvincing transvestite? Again?" Patsy turned her head to Naboo, furiously. "I am a woman, you miserable little turnip!" "You are sure? I could swear I've seen you with a beard and a penis in the 70's. Studio 54." "Oh those two years don't count!" Suddenly Patsy removed her hands from Howard's arse. "Is that Mendocino Greeno, I smell?" Naboo nodded. "Yeah. Want a hit?" "Oh, that would be lovely, cheers mate." "Come on then." Patsy followed Naboo up the stairs, but not before turning to Howard. "See you later, darling." Howard still in shock lowered his hands and began to weep.

"Where the hell is Patsy? Cheekbone is supposed to be out in an hour!" Edina had tried to ring her best friend a couple of times, but whenever the phone was answered, all she could here was giggling. Vince was in the corner, getting his hair done and talking to Bubble. "Do you think, that kitten's whiskers are made out of unicorn tears?" Bubble raised her hand to make him stop talking. "Listen, mate. I have to talk about bullshit like that all day! You know who hard it is to pretend I'm stupid?" "What do you mean?" "This is the easiest job ever! Acting like an idiot and all. If she thinks I'm actually capable of social interaction, I have to do my job properly!" Vince looked at her in shock. "You don't believe in unicorns?" "Oh boy, you are really thick, aren't you?" Vince gave her one of his charming smiles and nodded. "Cute and stupid. Oh here she comes… Worms. What a funny word. Wooooorrmmmssss." "You! What are you doing here?! You were supposed to get me Zoe Kravitz for the shoot." "Soe Khrawihtz?" "Yes! The daughter of Lenny? Edgy, multiracial actress, ring a bell?" "Oh I thought you meant go to the zoo for laces. I've spent all day at the zoo. Couldn't find any laces, though." "Oh you waste of a size zero!" "It's okay mum. I phoned her agent, she's on her way." Saffron was tipping something into her smart phone while holding a glass of champagne. "Here, have a Bolli." Edina took the glass out of Saffy's hand and smiled at her. "What would I do without you?" "Whiter and die. You need anything Vince?" "A tea would be nice." "Amanda, get him a tea. Claude, make his hair fluffier around his bangs. This look was out six minutes ago. Fuck, gotta go pick up my LaCroix from Christian's shop." And away she went. "What the hell happened to her?" Bubble asked, confused. "I sent her to this acupuncturist in the woods. Shabadoo or something. When she came back she was the daughter I always wanted." "Do you mean Saboo?" "Yes, do you know him Vince?" "He tried to execute one of my mates on various occasions." "It's a small world." Edina picked up her phone and rung Patsy again.

Naboo was lying on the couch, stoned out of his mind. Patsy was sitting beside him, still inhaling the smoke of the hookah. "I think we're out. Hey, wake up, little blue man!" Naboo waved his hand in front of his face, commenting on the colours of the wallpaper. "Kids these days, can't hold their smoke… Now where is that gorgeous Howard?" Patsy finally noticed her own ringtone and answered the phone. "Yes?" "Pats! Where the hell are you?! We have a deadline here!" "Eds?" "Get over here, now! I'm having a panic attack! Panic Attack!" Patsy lit up a cigarette and shook Naboo's shoulders. "Hey, wake up!" "What man?" The Shaman looked confused and annoyed at the same time. "I have to go to Cheekbone magazine, asap." "A wasp? Where?" "A.S.A.P. Now. This instance. Come on you've got to drive me." "No license." He replied and went right back to his slumber. "I've got some more at my office…" "Let's take the carpet."

"Patsy, finally! I'm having a panic attack!" " Relax, darling. I'm the editor. I run this magazine, remember? Now let's have a look at that model of yours." Edina stopped Patsy, mid walk and pointed to Vince. "Do you see that little blue man in the corner, Pats?" "What? Oh yes, he is with me." "Details, sweety." "We shared some pot, now I'm giving him some of my stash in return." "But he is real, is he?" Patsy thought about it for a moment. "I'm fairly certain, dear." The pair approached Naboo and Vince, who was still in the hands of Claude, the hair stylist. He was working at his hair with a pair of tweezers now, forming every streak on its own. "Are you serious?! We've got a schedule, darling!" "I am an artist, this is my canvas. I will take all the time I need. If you've got a problem with that, you can call the hack that does your hair." "Get me Christopher!" She yelled at Bubble. Claude looked puzzled, then gathered his things and left, but not before tucking his calling card into Vince's hand. The prince of Camden was unaware of the commotion around him. He was looking at his reflection in a three way mirror.

Christopher arrived a few minutes later, his partner David in tow. They hadn't spoken to each other since the day of Saffron's wedding disaster and he chasted Eddie for that. "Darling, it's been ages, and no call! I'm very mad at you." "No time for that now, Christopher. You'll have to get to work on Vince!" "Vince? As in Vince Noir?" "The same." Christopher and David looked at each other and then screamed in excitement. "Oh, you are forgiven! I'll get work!"

"Are you all right Naboo?" "Naw, can't say that… Smoked all my good stuff, just to save Howard from being bummed by a transvestite." "Wait, what? Who was trying to bum Howard?" Naboo pointed at Patsy who was talking to a girl from wardrobe. "That one." "Don't you know who that is? That is Patsy Stone one of the greatest British models of the sixties… And she was really trying to get it on with Howard?" "Yep." "And?" "And what? You know Howard, he freaked out and made his "Please don't kill me, I've got so much to give"-face." "Did she… I mean was she really into him?" "Why do you want to know that?" Vince laughed. "Well, it's the first time Howard gets attention from someone that cool, you know." "She had her tongue in his mouth and her hands on his arse. A little more into him and he'd receive a full colonoscopy from her." "She kissed him?" "It was more like a sexual assault of his mouth. Great, now I crept myself out. Gotta go now, this place gives me bad juju." "See you Naboo." "Whatever." "She kissed him… I can't believe it." He murmured to himself. "Hello Vince. I'm Christopher. I'll be doing your hair now." "Hm? Oh, hello." "So, what do you use on your hair, dear?" "The usual, Root Buster, sometimes Goth Juice, Naboo's Miracle Wax and Nicky Clarke straighteners." Christopher gasped. "Nicky… _Clarke_?!" "Yeah, hottest you can get…" "I've seen his commercial, thank you! That miserable little bitch! I taught him everything he knows!" "Okay, Christopher. No time for that speech now! Get him ready!" Eddy pointed at Vince's head. Christopher grabbed a comb and moved a few streaks of hair to the left. "There. Done." "Oh Christopher, you are a genius. It looks amazing." Edina stared at his hair in awe. "Let's see if Nicky Clarke could do it like that." "How do you like it, Vince?" "Genius." But for the first time in his life, Vince wasn't really paying attention to his hair.


	2. Chapter 2

When Vince came back from the shoot, he found the Nabootique empty. "Howard? It's me Vince." The cupboard opened a little bit and one of Howard's tiny eyes stared out of it. "Are you alone?" "Yeah." Relieved, he stepped out, waving good-bye to Gary Numan. "What is going on here?" "Well, I've discussed some Jazz related musical topics with Gary and… We kinda lost track of the time." "Right." Howard's eyes shifted around in the room. "Naboo told me. She is not here." "Oh, that… You know how women are when it comes to Jazz poets like me. Can't take their hands off me. No sir, I'm a ladies man." Vince looked at his best mate, who was trying to laugh off the whole thing. He didn't really know what to say, so he just went for the universal solution to everything. "What about a cup of tea?" "That would be nice." "Well come on then."

They sat on the couch in silence, sometimes looking at each other awkwardly. "Howard?" He was glad that Vince finally spoke. He would take anything, even a list of his favourite Human League songs. "Yes?" "Nevermind…" "Okay." "Screw it. You ruined my shoot, you berk!" "What? Where did that come from?" "I was in a great mood, everyone was buzzing around me and that Zoe Kravitz gave me some good vibes too! But all I could think about was your sad little face and your stupid little eyes under this ridiculous haircut of yours!" "Should I be insulted or touched by this?" "Don't interrupt me! I left the after shoot party because I couldn't bear the fact that you were sitting here, alone and scared!" "I… I wasn't scared…" "Shush! You hid in a bloody cupboard! It is always like this with you. Everytime I have to come to the rescue of Howard Moon!" "I didn't know you felt that way." Howard looked hurt and Vince's anger vanished. "I'm sorry." The fancy ladyman said. "I didn't mean that… Well actually I did, but not in the way I said it…" Vince's one brain cell was working overtime. "Actually, I don't mind, I like saving you from danger. You make me feel needed. Like there is something more to me than my looks and my hair." "Come on Vince. You've got a lot to offer…" "My fabulous taste in shoes?" Howard smiled at his best mate. "Shoes, shoes fancy shoes, standing in line…" A crimp always makes things better. Even a crappy one.

The were still pretty much in crimp mode when Vince commented "You should be proud of yourself Howard. Patsy is a gorgeous …" "Not as gorgeous as you." Howard, realizing what he just said, stopped laughing and turned as red as the wallpaper behind them. Vince just stared at him, his mouth wide open. "Okay…" "Vince I…" His best friends stare turned into a wide grin. "You think I'm gorgeous." Howard was done denying. "Oh what the hell! Yeah. Okay, I do. Go on then, have a laugh." "Why would I laugh about it? I'm the confuser, remember? No shame in fancying me." "You are a twat." "Is it a twat, is it not a twat, do I really mind?" "That was vulgar." "Sorry, had a few glasses of champagne." Howard shook his head and gave him a friendly buff on the shoulder. "So what are we gonna do now?" Vince asked and smiled, teasingly. "Well I'm off to bed." Vince got up from the couch and followed Howard. "This wasn't an invitation." "Are you sure? Sounded like one to me." "Is this the champagne talking?" "About 30% of it. The rest is all me." "Yeah, well I'm more of a 100% guy, so good night."

The next morning greeted Vince with a giant headache and more awkward behaviour form Howard. The confidence from last night had completely vanished and he was trying so hard to avoid eye contact that he nearly fell down the stairs. Just a quick grab from Vince saved him from falling. "So, we are ignoring the incident from yesterday, I presume?" He didn't wait for an answer and just grabbed his coat and went for a walk. He needed some fresh air and someone to admire him. And he knew exactly were to find that.

Edina was all over Vince when he came to her office. "Wonderful news darling! The editor of Vogue just booked you for a 12 page shoot next week!" "Really?" Vince felt better already. "Yes, you gonna be flying to Berlin next Wednesday." "Flying?" Vince hated flying, even more than bad hair days. When his hair looked bad, he could always wear one of his fancy hats. But there was no hat big enough to make a plane acceptable to him. "What's the matter darling?" "I'd rather go by train or car." "Are you mad? We already booked a ticket for you, first class." "Yeah, I don't really like flying. Gives me… Spots." Edina's eyes widened in shock. "Oh no, we can't have that! Bubble! Bubble!" "She is not in today." Saffron appeared out of nowhere, staring at her smart phone. "Where is she? Oh I don't care. Listen, Saffy Vince will go by train to the photo shoot. Please arrange that." "There is a strike in France, I'm afraid. No public transportation available till Thursday." "What? Why are they on strike? Don't they know that I have a model to deliver to a bloody Vogue shoot?!" "They didn't get the memo, apparently." Edina threw her hands into the air and looked at Vince. "What are we going to do now?" "So the car it is." "You can't drive alone. I'll get my chauffeur…" "Can't make it, I'm afraid. Funeral." Saffron commented. "Unbelievable! Tell him to cancel it, if he wants to keep his job!" "_His_ funeral." "The whole bloody world is against ME!" Vince smiled. "It's okay, I think I got the right man for the job."

"Howard, I gotta go to Berlin." The awkwardness between them was back to the bearable level, so they were able to have a somewhat normal conversation. "Oh great, there is a very interesting Jazz Museum in Wedding. Make sure you check it out." Vince just looked at him blankly. He'd spent all afternoon to come up with a good reason for Howard to join him and now it just fell into his lap. "Why don't you tag along then? We could have a road trip, just like the old times." "Yeah, seems like a good idea." Vince smiled. He really was a sunshine kid.

Howard was driving off the ferry and looked at Vince who was sleeping in the passenger's seat. He had wrapped himself into a purple blanket, his eyes covered with a sleep mask of the same colour. "Typical, I'm doing the work and his Royal Tardiness takes a nap." Just when he felt his anger creeping up again, Vince smiled in his sleep. "Damn," Howard thought, trying to ignore the warm feeling he got from the sight of his best mate. He turned on the radio to distract himself, but Vince must have switched his Charlie Mingus CD with one of his. _"You've been looking for someone to believe in, to love you, until your eyes run dry…"_ "Damn you, Johnny Borrell!"


End file.
